Emotional Atyachaar: Use it to Communicate Effectively

Do you think of yourself as a reasonable person?

I did. I always had great belief in my power to list facts and figures, use logic and rationale to prove my point in an argument debate...use reason to show that I'm right, and change my opposition's mind.

But if I'm completely honest, it never worked. Even when I was undeniably right (in my oh-so-humble opinion) ...and have an army of facts to fight on my side, I have never changed another person's belief.

What could be more convincing than reason, I wondered?

Then I saw this story:

"I'm Blind. Please help me" the crudely scrawled sign said.

Hundreds of people walked by, the occasional coin was tossed into the beggar's can. Then one woman stopped, turned over the sign and wrote something on it. Soon, everyone walking past was giving money and the can was overflowing.

What had she written?

"It's a beautiful day. And I can't see it."


This video was created by UK-based content creation company Purple Feather, to illustrate the power of words.

I realized then that the power of words was not in the lists of reasons they could give, but in the feelings they could evoke.

The prolific award-winning writer Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

For me these words sum up the power of words - the power to evoke emotion, to get a reaction, to make people change their minds.

When we believe something is true ... our mind 'sets' like cement... we start to see everything through that mind set .. it narrows our perception of reality and causes tunnel vision. When we have tunnel vision, we only see what agrees with our belief...everything else - reason, logic, arguments... will not be able to penetrate our tunnel.

For example, if you don't believe in God, no matter how many treatises you read on the existence of God, your psychology will not let you change your mind and start believing.

However, what can make you start believing is when something penetrates your tunnel vision... logic can't do that ... but I believe emotion can. People are often changed after they go through intense emotional experiences - surviving illness, loss of a loved one, or financial troubles.

The greatest communicators understand the power of evoking emotion through their words... Watch Obama stand up in a crowd of thousands and move them to tears... listen to Modi's impassioned voice rise and fall, bringing our nation to its feet ... and you will understand what I mean.

You can use the power of emotion in your communications. Be it a debate, a negotiation, or a meeting, adopt these strategies to make your communications more effective.

Get up-close and personal: We tend to get so defensive of our feelings... we build walls around ourselves guarding our deepest fears and greatest desires like some khazana. But your fears and desires are not that different from everyone else's... unique as we may be... human beings are motivated by the same basic emotions - fear, vanity, greed, lust and so on...

If you let your real emotions come through in your communications, chances are people will see the honesty in you and connect with your thoughts.

But don't try to fake it. We know what real emotions look, feel, and sound like... we all feel them. So unless you're Aamir Khan, faking won't work.

Body language: I have to contradict myself here. Actually, there IS one way to fake it in one-on-one conversation. By understanding how your body communicates you can use it to make connections with people.

Mirroring is an effective tool to create a rapport with your listener. It is the practice of matching your tone and actions with the other person's - so if a person is soft-spoken, use a soft voice to communicate. If someone tends to use a lot of gestures, do that... if they have their arms crossed, do that.

This may sound a bit awkward, you wonder if they will notice and think negatively of you. In actual fact, the opposite happens. Naturally good communicators automatically do this. When you are mirroring someone they subconsciously start feeling 'yeh mere jaisa hai' and become more comfortable with you, and more open to your message. As you practice this method it will also begin to come naturally to you, making you a better communicator.

Let your eyes speak for you: This may sound a little filmy, but your eyes are the windows to your soul... your most powerful asset in communication.

It's said that a real smile involves two muscles - the zygomatic major in your cheek that pulls your lips upwards, and the orbicularis oculi around your eyes which make them crinkle. You can force your lips to form a smile, but true positive emotion is reflected only when your eyes smile as well. Eyes are that important. They can convey happiness, sadness... joy, seriousness... falsehood, and honesty. When talking to someone look into their eyes.

If it's too difficult to hold their gaze look above their eyes at the bindi spot... it makes it look as though you are gazing into their eyes. Looking into someone's eyes will make them feel connected to you, they will automatically nod their heads...maybe even subconsciously start mirroring you.

Use positive imagery to tell a story: For effective communication, tell stories and use words that give hope. When Narendra Modi was campaigning he focused on 'Achhe din aane waale hai' ... message of hope that spread across the country ... like an 'ugta hua suraj'. He never focused on 'desh ki haalat kharaab hai' which is the same message, but the words are not positive and instead of hope it evokes visions of poverty and corruption.

In the video I mentioned above the words on the sign evoked the depressing thought of a blind person, a thought everyone wanted to avoid - no one wants to deal with that while they're going about their busy lives. When the words were changed - they now evoked the image of a beautiful day, brought a smile to people's faces, softened their moods, and had them reaching for their pockets.

Use your reason to think, analyze and assess situations, but to communicate let your reason play a supporting role and let your emotions take center stage... use what I joking call the method of emotional atyachaar. Make people feel ...to make yourself heard.

Communication is greater than just the exchange of words - it is the sharing of ideas, the development of thought, the building of relationships, and the shaping of societies.

To honour the birthday of one of the greatest communicators and leaders the world has ever seen, I'd like to end with the words of Nelson Mandela:

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart"